Takers vs. Receivers - A Small Distinction with Big Consequences

Not wanting to be seen as a taker is a good thing right up until that desire prevents you from getting the help you need.

There’s a difference between takers and receivers, and embracing it will result in you solving problems quickly and feeling momentum.

At the Chipotle in Lexington, Kentucky, I watched a receiver work her magic. On my drive up to Columbus, Ohio, I had stopped for lunch, and while I munched on salad, I overheard a conversation. An elderly woman at a four-top table by herself called out to a stranger, “Hey, young man!”

He looked surprised, almost cornered. Like, “Why is this random lady talking to me?” He overcame that initial resistance, however, and walked over to her. Without any preamble like “Thanks for coming” or “My name is Mildred, what’s yours?” she told him that she couldn’t get her AirPods to work with her phone.

She held them up to him the way a child shows a broken toy to a parent. I could see his moment of indecision, as though thought bubbles appeared next to his head, cartoon style: “Am I really doing this? I could be here all day.” [Sigh.] “I guess I’m doing this.”

He took the phone and AirPods case from her, laid them on the table, and started tapping the phone’s screen. Pairing the AirPods only took a minute or two, then he handed everything back to the lady. She put the AirPods in and nodded. He walked back over to the elderly woman he’d eaten lunch with—his grandmother? Someone he was paid to help run errands?—and the two left the restaurant. That was that.

I finished my salad and glanced again at the woman as I was leaving. Her hair was so thin her scalped showed through. She hunched over her food, munched her food, and listened with an blank face. What do octogenarians like? I realized I had no clue.

She had an unremarkable, near-invisible presence—maybe she was trained as a spy?—and didn’t look like the sort of person who would have the boldness to inconvenience a stranger.

And I couldn't help but think she'd make a terrific entrepreneur. The best entrepreneurs ask and receive often, because they must, while recognizing the subtle distinction between being a receiver and a taker.

As entrepreneurs, we face hundreds, no, thousands, of situations and problems for which you have no precedent. Though these hurdles have a familiar shape to veteran entrepreneurs, they’re new to us. That newness stirs up bewilderment, fear, and everything in between, and now we get to manage our emotional response to the hurdles while trying to move past them.

Such hurdles may come quickly or slowly, depending on the day or phase of the business. What remains true is there’s always some unknown, some need that pulls us out of our comfortable capability, some thing running amuck that requires attention.

On the one hand, we must be resourceful and find ways to solve our own problems. That comes with the entrepreneurship territory. On the other, trying to learn and do everything for ourselves is time-expensive. If you try to figure out everything on our own, you end up spending as much time fighting fires as doing the core work that gets you paid.

Even if you can find the information and solution you need for free, the process of finding both burns valuable time. Every minute you spend reading help docs (”AirPods won’t pair with iPhone”) or researching the best free online business bank is one you don’t have to spend elsewhere.

Circa 2014, an investor in my tech startup, Scott, told my co-founder and me that our job was “to learn as much as possible, as quickly as possible, as cheaply as possible.”

This proved to be true, but Scott was assuming we’d be spending our time on valuable learning. Many solopreneurs inadvertently do the opposite: We learn very little, very slowly, and expensively, based on the time invested, and often the insights and lessons of least value to the business!

For example, when I was cutting “um” and “uh” and audible breathing out of the audios in my original Freelance Cake course, I learned some things about the editing process. Since 2019 those those have benefitted me and my business precisely nada. I should have enlisted help.

At the root of much of our misspending of time is a belief: “I must figure this out for myself.”

Believing we must, we try to do too much, tasks and projects and responsibilities well outside our wheelhouse. Believing we must, we wait too long to ask for help. Believing we must, we delay solutions and breakthroughs. Believing we must, we stymy our growth.

It’s like we’re aspiring Eagle Scouts who believe we shouldn’t look for shortcuts because it’s more admirable to earn the merit badge by putting in the time.

The trouble is, entrepreneurship ain’t the Eagle Scouts. No one celebrates you for doing things the hard way. In fact, do things the hard way long enough, and your business venture expires. Furthermore, there’s no official “Guide to Safe Solopreneurship” the way there’s a “Guide to Safe Scouting.” Safe is a word we’d drop from our vocabulary because there’s only more or less risky choices for self-employed folks.

No Scout Leader even gives you a thumbs up when you finally tie the difficult knot of product-market fit or bite your tongue and finish the project for the arrogant client who made life miserable there for a while.

Too many things clamor for our time and attention, and we face too many scenarios in which we have no prior experience to guide us.

We can rely exclusively our own time, willpower, and resourcefulness to knock down hurdles, or we can ask for help.

Many people of high integrity are reluctant to ask for help or call in too many favors. They’re all too aware of the delicate scales of human relationships. If you ask for too much, then you can hurt your relationships. You can develop a reputation for being the taker who asks and asks and vanishes when it’s time to reciprocate.

Yet, to be effective entrepreneurs, we must receive. There’s no alternative. The need to receive can be comfortable when you’re reading a book you’ve paid for. The need to receive can make you squirm when you ask for an introduction to someone you’d benefit from knowing. You quickly reassure the person you’re asking, “And if there’s some way I can help you, just let me know. I’d be happy to reciprocate.”

Related: The Best Entrepreneurs I Know All Have This Widely Accessible Superpower

The need to receive from a stranger? Most of us don’t like that at all. What if we appear weak, needy, or delusional? What if we come across as amateurish, self-centered, or stupid? What if they ignore us? Worse yet, what if they get upset and say unkind things about us publicly?

Asking for assistance, for a favor, or for a boon when we have nothing to offer in return brings out our insecurities and anxieties.

But again, there’s no way around it. To solve certain problems quickly, we must ask for help.

So the question is, how do we ask and keep asking without becoming takers?

The difference between a taker and a receiver lies in good judgment.

For starters, we must determine how much what we're asking for costs the other person. You might say this is the secret to asking because many of the problems and situations we face as entrepreneurs don’t require much effort from the people who have already been there, done that. We think their advice will cost them more than it will.

They could point you to the tool you need in 30 seconds.

They could flip the introduction you wrote in the third person in 2 minutes.

They could give you the advice you need in 5 minutes.

Think about some of the problems you solve for other people. Does diagnosing it and prescribing a fix take you very long?

I’ve coached dozens of freelancers who come to me believing their problems are thorny, complicated, and carnivorous. They smell blood! The complexity usually comes not from the problem itself but rather the circumstances surrounding it. For example, rehoming a troublesome client is easy—if you don’t depend on that revenue. Pivoting to a new niche is straightforward—if you already have one in mind and feel confident that you can get those clients.

Even so, the diagnosis and prescription takes almost no time for me. I’ve been there, done that, and I designed the Business Redesign program the way I did because some business problems must be solved in groups because their interconnected. It’s not enough to replace one link in a weak chain. Replace the chain itself, one link at a time.

Even that idea of solving for “families” of problems, not individuals, seems obvious to me as the right approach to solving certain problems will seem obvious to you.

Whether or not she was thinking it, the elderly woman at Chipotle asked for a favor from a stranger that didn’t cost him much. Something valuable to her will was inexpensive, time wise, for him.

I don’t have statistics to back this up, but I have a hunch that the anecdotal evidence from my own life and career may be true for many solopreneurs. Most of what we would ask for, if we had the humility and boldness to ask more often, would be in the cheap, 5-minute bucket, not the expensive, 60-minute bucket.

Now we approach the insight I want to hand you like a loaf of bread:

Most of our asks are small, and therefore we can safely ask quickly and often without any real relational risk.

So my friend, if you want to grow faster and get your ankles tangled in fewer hurdles, ask for help early and often. Exercise discernment when asking so that you understand the cost your request carries for the person on the other side. By exercising that awareness, you can ask and receive much without becoming a taker or hurting your relationships or reputation.

Be that old woman in Chipotle. Mimic her boldness. Receive with gratitude. Learn for yourself the secret that Jay Papasan, who co-authored The ONE Thing, mentions in an essay:

“Here’s the secret. Successful people are generous with their time and knowledge if you respect their time. Ask smart questions. Listen to their answers. Offer gratitude and take action. They love making an impact. And you can be part of their ROI.”

Finally, remember that the other person can say no. That’s their right, and you shouldn’t let your disappointment mar your perception of that person. I once invited Seth Godin to lunch, and he turned me down. Looking back, I see he made the right call.

Imagine what the world would have lost—books, keynotes, programs, incisive thinking—if he'd handed out yeses like Halloween candy all these years. We can't make our highest and best contribution if we fritter away our time and attention on opportunities, projects, and requests of lesser importance.

I happened to be one of those requests for Seth. Did I want him to make an exception at the time? Sure. Even so, I appreciate the lesson I learned.

I had the boldness to ask. He had the boldness to say no. We both did the right thing.

When you’re ready, here are ways I can help you:

1. Free Money. A pricing and money mindset guide for freelance creatives. If you’re unsure about your freelance pricing, this is the book for you.
2. Morning Marketing Habit. This course will help you build an “always be marketing” practice, become less dependent on referrals, and proactively build the business you want with the clients you want. My own morning marketing habit has enabled me to consistently make  6 figures as a freelancer.
3. Custom Business Roadmap. Gain clarity, confidence, and momentum in your freelance or consulting business.
4. Business Redesign. Raise your effective hourly rate, delegate with confidence, and free up 40 hours a month.
5. Clarity Session. It’s hard to read the label when you’re inside the bottle. I've done well over 100 of these 1:1 sessions with founders, solopreneurs, and freelancers who wanted guidance, a second opinion, or help creating a plan.